So, True Blood. I wanted to write a spectacular post weeks ago about how fantastic the first episode of the fourth season of True Blood was. A post that would have made all you squeal and run to Best Buy and buy the first three seasons on DVD (if you haven't seen the series yet) and let your brains liquify as you basked in the excellence of vampires, sex, and sexy people (Mmm Pam :)!
Alas, I was unable to do that. Want to know why? I was horribly crestfallen with the first episode. Kinda like you probably were when you finally made it through Breaking Dawn and thought: WTF was that bullshit?. OR like Wormtail probably was when he saw Cedric the Hufflepuff still alive. I was also angry. No, not angry, IRATE. No, I was much more than that. I was LIVID. Most of all though, I was bewildered. I seriously was like WTF????!?! at least eight times while watching the premier. I could not believe the producers had the audacity to launch such ludicrous material! I was so petrified that they had tainted Charlaine Harris' beautiful masterpiece by releasing that bullshit. I was ready to kick my friends out of my house and unleash the fury that was building within me. I also felt violated while watching the episode. It was as if my eyes were being eaten by maggots as I watched the absurd events take place. I can assure you, it was not a pleasant experience. It's kind of equivalent to pulling your toe nails off with your teeth and sucking on them like they were sun flower seeds. Painful. Disgusting. AND UNCLASSY.
I'm not going to go over all of my complaints, for that would take far too long, so I'll list my top three.
1. In the third season, we find out that Ms. Sookie is a faerie. Faeries are beautiful, enticing, caring, and pure. In this season, we find out that faeries actually are quite evil and ugly beings. Hideous actually: they resemble zombies. They had the decaying flesh, unattractive and treacherous countenances, and probably the stench as well (Whoops. I just accidentally described many of the inhabitants of Cumberland County). Not only are they this, but they are also practically kidnapping all of their kind to "harvest" them. Yup, that's right. Harvesstttt them. I expect the faerie queen intended to trap them on some faerie plane and tell them to boink until their genitals turned raw!
2. Sookie has been gone for a year, and Mr. Devoted Bil Compton has apparently moved on. The man who said he would love Sookie forever is now fucking (pardon my vulgarity) the help and completely indifferent to the pretty blonde with nice tits. I guess when he asked her to marry him he was ready to say "Until your death do us part".
3. Bill is now also the king of Louisiana. At the end of season three, you see a glimpse of Bill and the previous queen about to get down in dirty and throw some bows. In all actuality, they launched themselves at each other, Bill got thrown around, and then he called in reinforcements. The queen was subsequently killed by snipers, and Bill was named king. Talk about being a puss.
While many of these occurrences may be valid, the presentation of the events was horrendous. I have never read the books, but from Harris' reputation, I do not believe she would have written things to occur in that manner. I mean, her writing is held with high esteem, and that episode wreaked of failure and incompetence.
After watching the first episode, I watched the second episode on hbogo.com. I was enthralled once again before the first five minutes were over. The True Blood that I once knew was back, and I squealed like a little school girl. Have you seen a grown man squeal? If so, you know it's not attractive in the slightest. If not, trust me when I say it's kind of disgusting. Just like that internet video. You know, the one with the two girls... and the one cup -_-. Nonetheless, I squealed proudly. Two more episodes have aired since the first day, and I have lovvvved each one. My True Blood withdrawal has returned, and I fiend for the episodes on a daily. But of course, I won't be corny and refer to it as my own personal brand of heroin.
-Caleb A. Deveraux
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